Have you ever wonder if anyone have thought the things you've thought about when you're alone? I have, I remember having a fall out with a close friend of mine who have become my best friend during the 8 years I have known her. She was a friend I trusted and showed my good, bad and ugly side to. We will tell each other secrets and confide in each other when one of us needed it. Inseparable we were. Then, a conversation of covered lies were unfolded and the trust I had with her was broken, Since then, I found myself becoming skeptical of people that wanted to be friends. People who wanted to get close to me, made me feel as if it was only to use me for their benefits and betray the trust I will have for them. Or so what I thought. I started to be alone often because it was safe. I only have to trust me- with me. I will be alone and thoughts of not allowing people know me deeply or bond with me in a sense of vulnerability will cloud my mind. These thoughts became the secret mission in my head. Secrets I lived by and told no one. Secrets I felt will keep me safe. "My secrets" have prevented me from creating real friendship because in my mind, a defensive wall was better than a damaged one. However, these secrets had a two sided truth to them, One- I protected myself from people to prevent getting hurt & Two-well....I felt lonely. I was yearning for a friend I can laugh with, confide with, take trips with and feel safe with. Someone I can have girls night with and tell secrets to. But truth is- I was still emotionally & mentally bruised. So now what? Now what do I do?
The universe saw my struggles of loneliness and started to put me in a circle of friends who wanted to be a village for me. It was a foreign feeling. Like change. At first I had no intentions on staying in this circle but then healing conversations started and I felt different this time. These friends have been through what I have seen and experienced and they too had a defensive wall up against me. They became my reflection. I was looking at myself in the mirror of their eyes and knew I had to spill my secrets of how I really felt. Getting close to someone is a risk- a risk that can be worth it if I release fear and gain conscious of faith. Knowing that I don't have to keep toxic secrets of the inability to trust or bond with people.
See, we all have secrets we keep dear to our mind because its one place that holds no emotions. Just a control button for decision making. If you can relate to having secrets in your head like me-then you too will have the option to release. It may not be today or tomorrow- but when healing shows up- the truth always speak before we do.
