A story about an Aquarius Mom who’s 34yro pregnant with a son almost at 35weeks and has a 14yro Capricorn daughter that’s sensitive......
A long, necessary read. If you’re a parent that need some encouragement or insight digest this story slowly.🌻
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So there I was...
Wondering what did I do wrong with being a mom to my child. A child that is now a teenager.
Filled with questions I’ll soon regret, my mind was suffocating with multiple “what if’s?”
What if they were right? What if I actually messed up? What if my decision rerouted her learning? What if I just allowed her to stay with someone else, she’ll be better off? What if I was being too tough? Too soft? Too loud? Too quiet? Not enough doing? Too much talking?
Questions that felt more like an intrusion into a battle field I dealt with for years filled my head and overflowed what seems like a tsunami through my eyes....
My daughter have been struggling with education since the age of 9.
5 years of figuring out why. 5 years of keeping her imagination alive. 5 years of “I tried, I tried, I tried”. 5 years of reminiscing on the struggles I went through, triggered-thinking about the times at school where I will cry because the simplest things we learnt felt so hard for me. I had trouble with explaining information I received. Answers I knew but couldn’t tell not one soul how I got it..
And so there I was... looking at my reflection. And she looks nervous. Black ripped jeans swaying of uncertainty, hands toying at the bottom of a sweater she wore repeatedly because it’s her favorite and in this moment, anxiety is waiting to snatch her inside...hair undone (she wasn’t fixing it in the mornings often) and her eyes... filled with “I know I didn’t really pay attention but I have no answers to say why”
I watched her for a few seconds. Waiting for the response to my one question:
“How can you be failing almost all of your classes and yet you told me you were doing better?”
I was confused and she was worried. Her eyes filled with water that refused to fall- like me.
“I really thought I was passing, I have been participating and asking questions”
A light 💡 went off in my head.
I asked her more questions about what does “passing a class” looks like to her, what is all that she done to ensure this feeling & what does she think she can work on to find better results.
Now In this moment, baby in my belly is annoyed that I sat down for more than 45mins, it’s getting late and I’m tired- but she- my first born needs to know that I care more about her feelings of uncertainty and confusion....
After 2 hours of conversation: from understanding how she perceives classes everyday to being accountable with speaking up, taking notes and letting me in with how she process information-
I started to see all this teenager needed was to be seen.
All she needed was for me to see that she gets confused on how she process things- not just educational but ALL things.
She’s different. Like me. Mostly, her thinking is a calm chaos- like a jungle-
Quiet and beautiful with hidden animals that becomes wild when you least expected and the jungle itself doesn’t know what will happen next it just accepts it.
She’s the jungle. A wild, beautiful one. I finally realized It. And sensitive.
So we did multiple things that made BOTH of us feel good. I talked about self love, and affirmations along with the transparency as a parent on what I see on the outside. The frustrations, the worry, the concerns of teachers telling me over and over that something is “off” with her. And then I tell her to prove EVERYONE wrong- even me when I worry. To give herself that much love and confidence.
We created contracts to hold each other accountable. And now we’re BOTH studying. We’re BOTH all in sacrificing our time to understand each other deeply.
All while pregnant and mostly feeling pain and no it’s no where near being EASY.
But it’s worth it. She smiles a lot today. She told me she felt better.... busy... and proud.
I smiled.
Because I am now in her world of things. She’s not a baby anymore. But a young sunflower growing daily.
Patience, love and understanding is the recipe for us BOTH.
Day one- to the little girls that think something is wrong with the way they are... to the little girls that have a hard time talking, or doing. You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are everything you can be in life. Let NO ONE tell you otherwise.
For the parents that cry at night, get frustrated often, feel useless or lost.... pat yourself on the back because you are still PRESENT. You WILL get through. Allow each other in with honesty and love. Talk about fears and faith. Cry together. Hug together just never become divided. It will get better.
The End.